Meghan’s Journal

Today. February 4th.

On this day four years ago the most beautiful little boy with perfect blue eyes and a completely bald head was born. I didn’t know it yet, but this little boy would change my life as I knew it forever. His name was Conner. If not for Conner, there would be no Kaleb. I would not be a mom. My life as I know it would not be my life.

Life is full of unknowns. If someone had told me on February 3, 2015 that in just a few short weeks that I would be the mommy to the most amazing little boy I probably wouldn’t have believe them. If someone told me that I would be burying my precious baby just two short years later, I absolutely wouldn’t have believed them. Even knowing all the pain and heartache that it has brought, I would do it all over again. In a heartbeat.

Today is your 4th Birthday Conner, it’s your 2nd birthday in heaven. You may think that it gets easier. It doesn’t. As hard as I try, birthdays are especially difficult for mommy. There was no birthday party to plan. No birthday presents to buy. Just a birthday cake that you will never get to eat. As the day creeps closer and closer, the anxiety begins to increase as the inevitable day approaches. Will I be able to function? Will I be able to hold it all together? Will Kaleb understand that it’s his brother’s birthday? Will he think that he has two birthdays? What is the best way for us to celebrate you and all your joyous perfection on your birthday?

You, my baby, knew exactly what you liked and what you wanted. You loved pancakes, donuts, pizza, chicken nuggets, ravioli (with butter and cheese), french fries, cake, and of course…ICE CREAM!! You loved the being outside, playing at the park, and going to the beach. On your birthday, we do exactly what we would do if you were here and we unapologetically eat ALL your favorite foods and do the things you loved to do. This is how our family celebrates you on your birthday. So Conner, today we will celebrate your love of life, we will celebrate the joyous light that you brought to every life you ever touched. Today we will celebrate you.

We only got to celebrate 2 birthdays with you before we had to say goodbye. It isn’t fair. Every day I wonder about the little boy you’d be becoming. I wonder if you’d like tee ball, soccer, or swim lessons best. Every day there is an empty place in our hearts and our home where you should be. This is not something that will ever change. Kaleb saw a picture of you and said “thats my brother” I was elated and broken all at the same time. He knows that he is going to help blow out the candles on his big brother’s birthday cake tonight. 

I know that you are celebrating  your birthday up in heaven with all your friends and your great grandparents. Please know how much your Mommy loves and misses you, today and every day.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby Conner. I love you more than words could ever begin to say.