Meghan’s Journal

Conner loved the Polar Express. Since he first watched the movie at six months old he was enthralled with the music, the lights, and the magic of Christmas. He knew all the words to every song and would watch the movie from start to finish, year round. Conner was never able to experience the beauty of a white Christmas. His first birthday had a Polar Express theme even though his birthday was in February, The Polar Express sound track played at his service. We lived in Florida, he was never able see or play in the snow in his short 2 years and 3 months on this earth.

In his honor, we purchased tickets to go on the Polar Express Train Ride this Sunday.

Something magical happened yesterday afternoon. I received what, many grieving parents call a  “purple elephant”, from my precious baby Conner. I grew up in the NH but moved to FL about 12 years ago. Since I adopted both Conner and his brother Kaleb, we were unable leave the state without a court order until both adoptions had been finalized. Conner’s adoption was finalized on June 22, 2016 and Kaleb’s on May 10, 2017 Just 5 days before our world would be changed forever.

After Conner passed, we packed up our life in FL and moved to back up north. Our home in Florida carried so many memories of moments that I could never get back and I needed to make a change in order to move forward in any way.

The weather here has been quite mild but earlier in the week the forecast started to look like we may get snow this weekend. I didn’t think anything of it. As the week progressed it became more clear that we would in fact have snow for our first northern Polar Express experience. Conner is making this happen, I have to believe that. He is making sure that he is on that train with us. So, of course as I came to this realization the tears began to flood.

Christmas was Conner’s absolute favorite time of year. He LOVED everything about it. The lights, the tree, the ornaments, the music, the sparkles, the bows, the presents…EVERYTHING. So, when we went to pick out our Christmas tree I got some trimmings to make a wreath to put out front by his wind chimes that have his name engraved on them and play to the tune of “Amazing Grace”. These trimmings have been sitting there since the Sunday after thanksgiving. I have just been putting off this project.

So, as I finally began my project through my tears…the wind blew his wind chimes and played his music to me and at that very moment as I looked up at the sky it was snowing. I see you Conner. Mommy sees you. 

I finished my project in that snow. I threw on some winter boots, made a cup of coffee and sat on the steps with my baby. I wasn’t losing that moment. And tonight, when his little brother is on the Polar Express train ride and his little eyes light up with wonder, I know that Conner will be all around him. I don’t get signs all the time, but he sends them when it really counts.